


softly

by TuesdayTerrible



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Basically Eren, Canon Compliant, Guilt, M/M, Pining, Unresolved Emotional Tension, loving jean, with all his angry heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 12:39:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12705156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuesdayTerrible/pseuds/TuesdayTerrible
Summary: He doesn't mean for it to happen the way it does.No that's not true, Eren hadn't meant for it to happen at all.//Or in which Eren loves Jean so softly, it's killing him.





	softly

**Author's Note:**

> ::Mokita & Maty Noyes: Goodbye ::  
> "I don't want to figure out how much Im about to miss you  
> I know you want to make me your home, but Im just a rolling stone  
> Yeah, its all I've ever known and I know Im about to miss you."  
> .  
> I usually write about Jean pining over Eren.  
> I thought we'd do it from the other end.  
> And this, heart breaking thing happened.

 

He doesnt mean for it to happen the way it does.

 

No that's not true, Eren hadn't meant for it to happen _at all_.

 

See, he had prided himself on not sinking to baser urges, after all everything Eren felt, he felt it deeply, rawly, so fucking sincerely he could barely even stand it. So he didn't have time for urges and relationships that went beyond respect because it would overwhelm him, blur his focus.

 

I mean that's not to say he didnt love, of course he did, he loved Mikasa and Armin.

 

They were family, they were his before all of this- he didn't have a choice of that. They were as essential to his well being as well- air. Of course he loved them. He loved them in the same savage way he loved and _failed_ his mother. He loved them in his own cursed way and sometimes, only sometimes, wished he didn't love them at all. Because he was sure he loved them / _wrong._ / just as he was sure, just like his mother, they deserved better.

 

So instead of harping on the raw feelings that could be just as debilitating as encouraging (and more so the first than the later unless he really tried, and that's all he ever does anyway is _try try try_ and **fail**. )

 

But still, if his eyes start to wander towards Jean, and his focus drifts that way a little more too, well, there's not much pleasure Eren allows himself in life anyway, so he may as well allow himself this.

 

.

 

It happens softly.

 

That's how Eren knows. It's slow and soft and steady, and everything Eren isnt.

(Because Eren is fire, impulse, and blood.)

 

Eren is to angry for love.

 

Until he isnt.

 

So that's how he knows.

 

Because loving Jean is watching Jean press the most tender kisses to his blade handles. It is the way the wind tussles his two toned hair. It's the way his fingers deafly move around his thigh as he buckles his straps in the morning with sunlight pouring into the bunk.

 

It is so soft, it _hurts_.

(at least the ache is violent)

 

.

 

Sometimes he wants to tell him. He wants to tell him just to ease the ache in his chest.

 

He runs his fingers through his hair as he stares at Jean feeding the horses across from him. He wishes it could go back to how it was, when he couldn't think of anything other than carving into Titans.

 

When the only thing that haunted his dreams were his mothers mangled form dangling from the smiling titans mouth.

 

He feels like he's failing her by longing and wanting and _missing_ another human being so badly (let alone one he's never even had.) He hopes she forgives him. It doesn't matter if no one else does, if nothing else will, or what he has to endure because he'll endure this, he _swears_ it, as long as she's capable of forgiving him.

 

“Hey horse-face.” Eren says surprising himself.

 

Jean just grunts looking to him over a shoulder.

 

Eren's struck again by how Jean's eyes are a cross between amber and brown, like a strange kind of sunset, that reminds him of his mother- reminds him of home.

 

“I..” The _I love you_ ends up stuck in his throat.

 

“Out with it Jaeger.”

 

“I was just wondering if you still had a thing for Mikasa.”

 

Jean's face turns bright red and he spins away from him to hide his embarrassment.

 

“Course not idiot.” Jean mutters back towards Eren.

 

But Eren knows better. And he figures in case he dies tomorrow and he never has the chance he should say it now. Because maybe he cant say he loves Jean. Maybe he'll never be able to push the words out of his lips, but for Mikasa- for Mikasa he thinks maybe he could.

 

He crosses the distance between them placing a hand on his shoulder, and he tries not to think about the heat radiating beneath his palm.

 

“I wont live long.” Eren says, and at this Jean turns around and hes met with those eyes again, and _god_ does this _hurt._ “She's going to be upset. So, I'm trusting you. To take care of her. If its anyone, I hope its you.”

 

He doesn't wait for a response just leaves the stables as calmly as he can, full bent on ignoring the trembling in his left hand.

 

.

 

Jean crawls next to Eren in his bunk that night. He thinks it's Armin at first, the way the bed creaks and a hand run through his hair. It isn't until Jean speaks does Eren's heart do a treacherous little flip in his chest.

 

“I'll protect you you suicidal moron, so don't go giving up on me yet.”

 

The bed creaks again, and Eren's fingers grip the sheets so hard his knuckles turn white.

 

Softly. He thinks. Thats how I love you. So softly its painful.

 

.

 

It's such a contradiction Eren thinks when his hand connects with Jean's stomach, and Jean's to his jaw. The fighting feels good and familiar and when the two of them are both on their asses breathing heavy in the dirt, he cant help but think how it's the soft feeling, even now, that floods his chest the most.

 

How Jean can hold his own and be just as strong and tough and passionate and wild as himself. That Jean is also fire and ideals.

 

So why doesnt the feeling burn? Why doesnt he want to destroy him with the intensity that burns through him? Why doesnt he want to consume him and the two of them burn so brightly, until they burn out? What is it with the whisper across his chest of hold him, keep him close, love him, love him?

 

Eren doesnt even think he knows how to love like that.

 

Soft. Soft and Soft.

 

Eren's to _angry_ , to angry for _soft_.

 

Jean manages to his feet first extending a hand to Eren. Eren stares at him for a moment, before taking the hand and grasping it firmly between his. He stares at him his gaze heavy with the words unspoken _I wish I didn't love you._

 

But Jean doesnt understand, its written in the curve up his lips and the arch of his brow as he pulls Eren to a shaky stand.

 

“You okay?”

 

“Yeah...” Eren says with as much forced sinceity as he can muster.

 

He can bare it. He _will_ bare it. He doesn't have a god damn choice.

 

“Yeah, M'fine.”

 

.

 

“You're making yourself sick.”

 

“Am not.” Eren says though when he catches his reflection in the window of the dining hall, he can tell why Armin thinks so.

 

“You're paler than a corpse.” Mikasa adds, her brow furrowed.

 

“You should tell him.” Armin prods gently.

 

“You should tell him.” Mikasa echos.

 

“That is the worst advice you've ever given me.” Eren says staring at them. “And the both of you know it.”

 

They at least have the audacity to at least fain guilt, Armin's eyes falling to the table- Mikasa's over a shoulder to Jean whom is sitting a table away with Connie and Sasha.

 

“I can handle it.” Eren says taking a bite of his bread to prove a point, his eyes moving to stare towards Jean- by reflex or design Eren doesn't really know.

 

.

 

It's their last day of free time before they leave outside the walls for their next expedition. Jean is drawing, charcoal pressed against worn parchment, his brow scrunched in concentration. Eren finds himself taking a seat next to him, quietly, watching.

 

“You're good.” He says softly. And he cant remember a time hes done either of those things. Pay Jean a compliment, or speak in such a tone. The realization has him turning bright red as Jean raises an eyebrow, though pink is also, very lightly dusting his cheeks as well. “The um- your drawing. It's good is it um?”

 

“It's you.” Jean says.

 

Eren nods. He had. Except....”I look...happy.” He says and the surprise in his voice is apparent.

 

“This is how you look before we go out there.” Jean says gesturing towards the walls. “I wouldnt say happy. Id say...you look like freedom.” He blanches at his choice of words before sputtering. “I just mean-”

 

If Eren could have kissed him. He would have. He would have pressed his lips against Jeans and stolen the words from his mouth until they were both gasping for breath. Slow, deep, and heavy. The kiss would have felt like forever- and forever would have never felt long enough.

 

But Eren cant. He cant kiss him because he's going to die. Because he has titans to kill. He has so many people to avenge. So many people he's failed. He's to angry. To angry for love and Jean...well, Jean isn't capable of loving him. And he doesn't want to do anything to upset Jean ever really because Jean's happiness is....

 

So instead Eren just presses his foreheads to Jeans and _wills_ for him to understand. He presses all of his desires and longings into the gesture and prays to a deity he's not sure even exists that he understands.

 

 _I love you_. Eren screams internally I love you so badly I cant breath. I love you like the sun rises. And the sunsets. I love you in the smell of the trees and the gallop of the horses. I love you like the sound of blades ripping titan flesh and my moms smile. I love you like Armins dreams and Mikasa's scarf. I love you like the freedom I've never felt but have always somehow known. I love you. I love you. _I love you_.

 

When he pulls his head away from Jeans, he smiles and for once- his heart feels just a tiny bit lighter.

 

“its perfect.” Eren says. “Thank you.”

 

It's so insufficient, yet the flush of Jean's face is more than enough.

 

.

 

Eren's ability to heal is taperig off. He's still able to regrow limbs, but he's accumulating bite print like scars- no matter how many limbs he regrows. He notices the unease this causes, he see's the purse of Levi's lips, the frown tugging at Hangi's brow. He sees it in Mikasa's wet eyes and Connie's nervous laugh. He notices it in Sasha and Armins overly bitten lower lip. But it's in Jean's reaction that _he_ , himself is most disturbed.

 

He watches Jean bite into his flesh so hard that night blood spills down Jean's trembling hand He watches as Jean places said trembling wrist to his mouth, eyes shut, and a muttered shit muffled by his injured skin. He doesn't understand what it means, because it isn't like he's mocking him- Jean doesn't even know he's there. It's not like he's apologizing to him like Levi's squad either- this is something Jean is doing in private- and Eren- for the life of him- doesn't understand.

 

Jean comes up to him the next day, eyes staring boldly at Erens tooth printed scars.

 

The soft warm feeling explodes in his chest. Eren was so wrong of his first impression. Jean wasn't a coward. Cowards are rarely so honest and so forth coming. So instead of asking what's up, Eren merely rolls his sleeve up to expose more of his scars to Jeans view, and waits.

 

“They're staring because they feel guilty.” Jean says finally. “We.” He corrects after a moment. “It...should have occurred to us sooner how much of yourself, you constantly give. But since....things are changing with you... we...” Jean clears his throat awkwardly. “I...I'm sorry Eren. I'm sorry I didn't notice before.”

 

He rolls up his sleeve to expose a bite mark of his own damaging in its brutality on his wrist.

 

“I'm sorry Eren. I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner.”

 

 _I love you_ Eren thinks as he takes in the curve of Jeans jaw. The sincerity in his eyes. The mark upon his flesh.

 

Eren blinks at him refusing to allow the tears to blur his vision and instead presses a very chaste kiss to Jean's wrist.

 

It's not an I forgive you. It's not a thank you. And its most definently not a confession.

 

Yet somehow, it still feels like all three in the tension that lies between them.

 

.

 

Jean gets hurt outside the wall. In the grand scheme of things, it's nothing. Eren knows its nothing. Logically, Eren knows he should tease him- goad him into getting better faster.

 

But a love like this is no longer logical. Eren is no longer logical.

 

He is so _angry_. To angry to love.

 

A chair goes through the window, glass shatters to the floor, and pots and pans scatter the ground. The table goes from one side of the room to the other. This is where Levi finds him, in the middle of the room with his hands knotted into his hair and tears streaming down his cheeks.

 

Softly. Softly. So soft.

 

The captain doesnt yell. He does not glare. He doesnt do any of the things he's suppose to do. Instead, he just takes a seat beside Eren and tilts his head back to the ceiling.

 

“I don't know what the right thing to do is.” Eren's heard this speech before. But he listens anyway. Because respect is simple. And Eren has all the respect in the world for Levi. “But I think you should tell him. I don't know how it will end. How he'll react. How'll you'll feel. Or if you'll regret it.”

 

Eren says nothing as he listens to his captain breathe slowly before he continues, a crack of something like longing in his voice. “But I know I regretted not doing it.”

 

Levi rises to a stand then, pausing only at the entrance of the cabin to stare at Eren over a shoulder.

 

“Clean this up before you do anything else.”

 

Erens weak response sounds loud in the shattered remains of the room.

 

“Sir.”

 

.

 

“Can I tell you something?”

 

Eren is not sure what he's doing. But he knows he has to try.

 

Jean smirks at him, “Going to admit that youre crazy? I'll try not to gloat.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Jean just grins before turning to face him entirely, Eren is now the complete focus of his attention.

 

“Whats up?” He says easily.

 

And Eren's heart does that treacherous little flip.

 

“You know I...I don't really hate you right?” Eren says finally, and Jean gets that look on his face, frowning.

 

“Id hope you don't really.” Jean says. “ I know we...fight. But.”

 

“Not like we use to.” Eren interupts.

 

“Right.”

 

“Right.”

 

It's not what he wanted but it's the best he can do. He turns to go when Jean calls out to his back.

 

“I don't hate you either Jaeger. Never really did.”

 

 _Softly_. Eren thinks. So soft it hurts.

 

.

 

“How did it happen?” Mikasa asks one night next to the fire, their comrades all asleep, or at least pretending to be.

 

“Slowly.” Eren whispers without having to ask what she's talking about. “and softly.”

 

“I don't think I understand.” Mikasa says voice quiet.

 

“Neither do I, really.” Eren says sincerely. “But I hope you get to.” Because there's nothing quite like it- though this he doesn't say- his eyes just finding their way, for the 100th, or 1000 time, to Jean's sleeping form.

 

.

 

It's a few months later when Jean tells him over stale bread, and water like porridge that he likes him. Its thrown out there casually, like saying I like you is no big deal. Kind of like the way you would say I like the color red.

 

He says it like it just dawned on him, those sunset eyes staring into him wide with disbelief.

 

“Yknow' I actually really like you Jaeger.”

 

The comment makes him burn red, and he wants to say that that's enough. Whatever that means Ill take it I'm grateful _but I love you_.

 

The words don't come, instead, he just throws on his normal shit eating grin, even though his face is still much to red and his smile feels painfully out of place.

 

“You're not so bad yourself Kirschtein.”

 

.

 

 

Eren's afraid.

 

So afraid he'll die before he ever gets the words out.

 

Though he's not sure more if he's scared of dying before he says it. Or jean dying before he has the guts to say it to him.

 

The fear keeps him awake and paints dark circles under his eye that causes Mikasa and Armin to fuss over him ridiculously.

 

I'm not a coward. Eren thinks.

 

I'm not a fucking coward.

 

Except he is. Because he still fucking cant.

 

.

 

It took two weeks to regrow one arm. Eren can feel it. His body burning up more often than not, his body is rejecting the titan within him. The syrum. Whatever it is exactly that makes him capable of doing what he does.

 

He's running out of time.

 

So when he can finally move his fingers, he gets himself out of bed and goes to find Jean. He's not sure if it's the shadow of the day, or the sand that drips from the timer that motivates him. And he supposes it doesn't matter regardless.

 

He finds Jean hands shaking over his drawing, and Eren can not believe who it is who graces the pages of his sketchbook.

 

“That's...” Eren's voice quakes, his resolve breaking.

 

“Armin and Mikasa helped. I hope I got it right.”

 

Jean turns his paper towards him to show the drawing of a face he hasn't seen in years. His mother graces his pages with a soft smile and wide eyes, and it looks so much like her Eren suddenly cant get enough air into his lungs. He is hit with a weight so heavy and so violent, the tears fall down his face in a flood.

 

Jean startles and tells him he's _sorry_ , he can _burn_ it. He can do it _again_. He can do _anything_ in the world Eren asks if he just _stops_ crying.

 

But Eren cant tell Jean now. Because if he only has enough time to love Jean or rid the world of Titans he has to do the later. Because god, his mother. His mother.

 

And Marco. And Mina. And Hannes. And Levi's squad. And Erwin. And everyone, _every single person_ was depending on him to save the world and here he is just slowly dying. Slowly running out of time and going to make everyone's sacrifice mean nothing.

 

So he _cant_ tell Jean.

 

“I'm sorry.” Eren manages. “It's perfect. God Jean I'm so sorry I just. God I'm sorry. _I'm so sorry_. I'm sorry.”

 

“It's okay.” Jean says soothingly, running an awkward trembling hand through Eren's dark dirty mop. “It's okay. I understand.”

 

 _Except you don't_. He thinks sorrowfully. _And it is certainly not okay._

 

.

 

“Armin.” Eren says lying in bed. He _aches_. Everything aches. His body. His bones. His soul.

 

“Hey can you do me a favor?”

 

“Sure Eren what?”

 

“When this is done...when I've killed them all...will you tell him?”

 

“Dont you think that's something that should come from you?”

 

“I wont live long enough.” Eren says quietly.

 

“What should I tell him?” Armin responds after a minute, his voice a whisper.

 

“ Tell him I'm sorry.” Eren says nodding at the ceiling as if that was the best starting point. “Tell him I'm sorry that's its coming from you and not me. Tell him I loved him with my entire being. Tell him I loved him with all my angry heart.” Eren pauses wiping the tears off of his cheeks in hope to keep his voice even, he exhales slowly.

 

“Tell him it was so soft I thought I was smothering in it. Tell him I wanted to love him so much longer. Tell him I wanted to love him so much more. Tell him, my one, my only regret- is.....maybe...maybe forget all that and just tell him I'm sorry. Maybe he'll just know.”

 

Armin thinks that Eren loves so devestatingly rawly that Jean would be an idiot not to know.

 

.

 

“I know.” Jean says one day as they're saddling up.

 

“Know what the horses like? No shit.” Eren says smiling widely.

 

“No.” Jean says softly. “I _know.”_

 

“Oh.” Eren says blankly. “how?”

 

“Because, _me too_.” Jean says as he helps Eren mechanically onto the horse. “ _Always_ , me too.”

 

.

 

They never get the I love you, as Jean dies in battle that day. And Eren later that night, his angry heart finally, _softly_ , giving out.

 

Armin thinks maybe thats okay. Because “I know.” And “Me too.” hold just as much, if not more weight.

 


End file.
